When the Lord called me about 6 years ago, I had to make a big decision. On the one hand was intimate discipleship with Jesus in the Eucharist. On the other was, well, a lot. So, I took some good advice from a priest and did a retreat to listen and decide.
I was drawn very powerfully to Jesus’ words, His Person, His Love : “Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart; for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts.” (Jer 15:16)
But He was asking me to leave a lot.
First, I was dating a wonderful woman who I thought might be “the one”. We were very close, and it had many signs of marriage. Our hearts were the same. I had money set aside for a ring.
Second, I had a career in engineering and business that was growing. See, I had succeeded in college and grad school in engineering and math and finance, and God had blessed me with all the big academic awards. I had developed an impressive reputation in the field, and I made very good money in investing. I had begun to work with a close friend and co-worker at starting our own consulting business. We both had the expertise and credentials, and the respect of our contacts. We had business cards, contacts, a mailing address. We were getting set to go and put a lot of money and time into it.
Third, I had recently bought a condo in the Back Bay of Boston, and had turned it into a home. It is in one of the prime locations of the city, across the street from the Charles River. All of downtown Boston was in walking distance, and at the Fourth of July, the big Boston fireworks display would go off across the street from my home!
Fourth, I had many, many good friends. Friends from youth, from schools, from work, from other friends. The same group of guys that used to hang out together when we were young still got together. People still stayed in touch, and we shared so many great memories through the years. They were all like brothers to me.
So, in the retreat, when I looked at married life with this woman, I thought, yes!, this is what I want. It was beautiful and I wanted it.
Then, I looked at the Lord. I knew what He was asking. And I wept.
I said to Him, “Only for You.” I thought, “For no one or anything else would I leave her and having children and a family and a house and a career and everyone and everything else. For no person, no family member, no friend, no money, no fame, no position, no possessions – nothing.” I said to Him, “Only for You. ONLY for You.”
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These days, since my mother’s death over a month ago, I have been busy caring for my father and putting things in order around his house. There is a lot to do, and in between I find some time to reflect on what has happened the last two years of my mother’s life.
The Lord sent me home to my parents’ house two years ago, and He gave me the gift of being His servant in His shepherding my mother home to His eternal Life. I had the privilege of becoming my mother’s de facto spiritual director, of leading her through conversion, through reconciliation with her resentments, through the pitfalls of the end of life struggle, to finally experience the great Mercy of Jesus’ Heart. No one but she and I and heaven know all the things that transpired. When she became sick in March, she looked at me frightened and asked, “Will you stay with me all the way?” I took her by her hand and smiled at her, and said, “I will.” In the end, she died in my arms. Now, I still pray with her, and I have Masses said for her progress in purgatory. We are still going home together.
Although I naturally mourn for her physical loss, words can’t describe the happiness I have underneath it all because of this. As I thought about it the other day, I thought, “Who has this happen to them? Who gets to do this? I can’t think of anyone having something like this happen to them, being Jesus’ chosen servant for Him to shepherd their own mother home to eternal life, all the way through her very last breath. Hardly anyone is given to understand these things, never mind actually do them. Presidents, business moguls, sports stars, Hollywood actors, professors? Popes, bishops, priests, religious? In my limited knowledge of the lives of the saints and martyrs, I don’t know of any – but I don’t think even St. Augustine received such a gift.
So why me? I have no status – I’m not on the radar screen of all those positions. Because I gave up everything to follow Jesus, I’m a nobody when it comes to the political world, the entertainment business, the worlds of technology and business and medicine and academia, and even Church affairs. How did I get to do this?” And as I thought about, I became, you know, a little frightened at the immensity of the gift and the honor.
And then, I heard the words of Jesus, “Only for you, Jerome. ONLY for you.”
“And every one that has left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall possess life everlasting. And many that are first, shall be last: and the last shall be first.” (Mt 19:29-30)
Don’t be afraid to give up everything for Jesus and be the lowest. Believe His words: you will receive a hundredfold.
And His Life.